Sunday, July 18, 2010

«T Minus 10 Days»

10 days until the blog ends.


Yeah, it's a little sudden. In 10 days I'll be moving away from Ketchikan, Alaska. During the transition I will be unable to blog. Too bad I won't quite make it to 1,000 consecutive posts.

I'm moving to Boise, Idaho. I have a friend I'm going to be roommates with. I've never been to Boise, but my friend went to college there. I'm to the point that I want to be anywhere other than Ketchikan. I was born on this rock, and being born in Ketchikan is like being born into bondage. You're trapped on an island, and it's so damn expensive to leave... Well, here's my chance.

It's a sudden change in my life; I'm leaping without looking on this one. That is very uncharacteristic of me. The very fiber of my being wants to over-analyze every situation and find reasons for not doing something. It's why my life has been stagnant for the past 5 years. And I'm terrified.

I've avoided talking about my personal life and feelings here. Partly because I think there's not much to talk about. I have very low self esteem and confidence. Coupled with agoraphobia1 and chronic anxiety, I've been trapped in a prison of my own making. Unable to bring myself to get a job, let alone a social life. This move is a last-ditch effort2 to escape from myself as much as it is from this town.

I will be forced to get a job and mingle with people. I will be forced out of my comfort zone, without an easy method of return. I'll either be able to cope or have a complete breakdown. But I need to do something. I've been watching my life pass by without anything to show for it.

1: I was diagnosed with agoraphobia instead of social phobia because I'm not overly concerned with people's opinion of me. But I'm still phobic of social situations for some unexplained reason.
2: Yes, I've tried counseling. It was marginally helpful, but it became clear I was not going to make a dramatic recovery.


  1. I do hope it works out as something positive for you.

  2. Wow, that's a big step. The important thing I guess, is to face your fears, which most people can't seem to do. That you can is good.
    But wait, you said during the transition you won't be able to blog. Will you return to blogging after you get settled?

  3. that's some heavy stuff,Marf. can relate... i'm horribly anti-social and have ptsd. i really hope things work out well for you! way to jump in. i'm still afraid to go out into the world... here's hoping you blog about it! i've really enjoyed your posts the last couple of years. peace.

  4. Thanks guys...

    @ Vid: Yeah I think I will return to blogging, but not right away. I need a little break from blogging anyway.

  5. I only discovered your blog a few days ago, and I can't even remember where I linked from, but good luck to you; I hope it works out well. Remember that people usually regret the things they didn't do more than the things they did.

  6. This really is a big step, but Im glad your taking it. I have a few fears of my own that somewhat involve the social world around me. Maybe your bravery will help me. But anyways, kudos to you! I cant wait till you return to blogging, I mean that in the least selfish way possible lol Ive enjoyed your posts for the last few years.

    - Six Legions

  7. I look forward to your words every day. You have all the skills to conquer your fears.

    Walk softly and catty a big stick eh?

  8. @ Six Legions: And I've enjoyed your comments.

    @ Anonymous (#7): And hope I don't have to use the big stick. It's for just in case...

  9. Personally, I never found over-analysing everything helps agoraphobia. It just tends to screw you over. So good for you! Getting away and all that jazz. And breakdowns aren't the end of the world. :) Good luck!


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