Here it is... I've reached the point of no return.
Click image to view full.
To some virginity is virtue. They've had the opportunity but through power of self discipline they abstained, for an ideological or religious reason. Not me. I don't have any unrealistic vision of finding "the one". There are many compatible people out there, and none of them are perfect. And like anything you do for the first time, it's going to be awkward and clumsy.
I've simply been unable to form a basic romantic social bond with anyone. Therein lies the problem. Virginity is but one metric to measure one's life by. It is by far not the only metric I fail at though. Social inability affects all aspects of my life. I am beyond saving.
I updated my About page, it was about time I did so. Now it no longer says I live in Ketchikan, and I changed the picture of myself. I also changed some details and wording a bit.
Yes, the DMCA copyright notice is more prominent now. It's really a pain when someone files a complaint on some picture I used in an old post without contacting me about it first.
I added another way to get my email address, by decoding a QR code. It may look like its listed in plain text on the page anyway, but in fact it is pieced together with javascript. Most spam bots that scrape pages for email addresses don't bother running javascript. If you have javascript disabled it won't display the email address, so I added another way to get it. I don't expect spambots to recognize and decode QR codes anytime soon.
So just how do you decode a QR code, and what are they anyway? A QR code is a lot like a barcode, except it supports alphanumerical text instead of just numbers. They look like the checkerboard images that I've included in this post. If you have a smartphone with a camera (iPhone or Android for example), there should be a free app that you can use to decode them. Just search for "QR code" in your app store. They're great fun. Over in Japan they are used everywhere in advertising and catalogs.
Now I'm going to need to remember to answer 24 instead of 23 when someone asks me my age. Crap. Birthdays come too quickly.
Anyone want to get an AR.Drone for a last-minute birthday present for me? Anyone? No? Well... I may have to buy it myself then. I've been looking into getting one since I first heard of it. I already have the iPhone to control it.
I've got an apartment in Boise Idaho. I'm roommates with a friend of mine. Got most of my mailing addresses updated, along with all the usual crap when you move.
It's nice to be away from dismal Ketchikan. There's not much I miss about that town yet. I'm going to miss the ocean, and even some of the rain. I find myself stepping outside on the rare occasions that it does rain here in Boise. The thunderstorms here are a treat. Despite the constant rain and wind in Ketchikan, there isn't much thunder and lightning.
The heat is actually quite nice. It's a dry heat so it is quite tolerable. I think the winters are going to be mean, though. The ocean in Ketchikan regulates the temperature, so the winters are quite mild. Here in Boise on the other hand... It gets cold. So far I like it. Stuff is cheap here. Some things (like food) cost half what they do in Ketchikan. I still need to find a job though... As much as I'd like to get enough income from the ads here, it's just not going to happen.
The bad part of all this is, no matter how far I go I can't get away from myself. I'm still me. So I'm finding myself living like a hermit again. I'm not as bad as I was in Ketchikan, but I'm headed there. I'd like to find a group of like-minded people to hang out with. From what I've seen on the internet, Boise is a pretty lonely place for a nerdy atheist.
After 919 consecutive days of blogging and 963 posts, having not missed a single day, I must take a leave of absence for an unknown duration of time. I face a major change in my life, and in the transition I won't be able to blog. I may pick up blogging again at a later date after I'm settled in. I'll be at least a month. I need a break anyway. My only regret is that I didn't quite make it to my 1,000th post.
With watching eyes
You see dreams dissolving1
Distant voices slipping away
I have to go - I hear
The call of something deeper
A voice inside of me
And tears return
Beneath the happy ending
Promised words that scattered
In the cold
I have to leave, I hear
The call of something higher
Something young becoming old2
I can't stay here any longer
Trapped here by the rain3
I can't stay here any longer
Waiting for this train
I'm waiting for the last train
Out of nowhere4
I'm waiting for the last train
On the line
Some people say that I will
Never leave here...
But I have to go this time
I'm waiting for the last train
Bound for somewhere
I'm playing with my last chance
On the line
I think it's really now or never
You know I have to try...
My sympathies,
Are wasted on regretting
Why not take a chance with me?
I have to go - I hear
The call of something stronger
And it's pulling me away
I can't stay here any longer
Trapped here by the rain
I can't stay here any longer
Waiting for this train
I'm waiting for the last train
Out of nowhere
I'm waiting for the last train
On the line
Some people say that I will
Never leave here...
But I have to go this time
I'm waiting for the last train
Bound for somewhere
I'm playing with my last chance
On the line
I think it's really now or never
You know I have to try...
I've been running around in circles
Without any direction
I've been searching hard to find
Who I really am...
I've been running around in circles
Without any direction
I've been lost here for so long
I've forgotten who I am5...
I'm waiting for the last train
Out of nowhere
I'm waiting for the last train
On the line
Some people say that I will
Never leave here...
But I have to go this time
I'm waiting for the last train
Bound for somewhere
I'm playing with my last chance
On the line
I think it's really now or never
You know I have to try...
I'm waiting for the last train
Out of nowhere
I'm waiting for the last train
On the line
Some people say that I will
Never leave here...
But I have to go this time
I'm waiting for the last train
Bound for somewhere
I'm playing with my last chance
On the line
I think it's really now or never
You know I have to try...
- Waiting to Leave, by The Cruxshadows
1:Being trapped in this town has a way of killing your hopes and dreams. 2:In this case, I'm the thing getting old. 3:Seriously, it rains a lot in Ketchikan. On the order of 160-200 inches a year. 4:Because of the infamous "Bridge to Nowhere" Ketchikan has the nickname "Nowhere", Alaska. It's like this song was made for me. 5:I've never really been able to figure out who I am.
The last couple of days have been busy. I bought my ferry ticket. $239.00 for a 1-way ticket for 1 passenger. Believe me, it's the cheapest way to leave this town. I'll be on the M/V Columbia for the 1 day and 15 hours it takes to get from Ketchikan, Alaska to Bellingham, Washington.
Once we get off the ferry, my future roommate and I will drive to Mount Vernon and stay with my grandparents for a couple of nights. Then it's off to Boise, Idaho.
I've been gathering my stuff, deciding what to take and what to leave. I've also been throwing out a lot of stuff. Some things I'm undecided about. Do I leave my chainmail shirt or take it with me?
Is there anyone from Boise that reads my blog? If so, shout out in the comments. I'd love to hear from you.
Yeah, it's a little sudden. In 10 days I'll be moving away from Ketchikan, Alaska. During the transition I will be unable to blog. Too bad I won't quite make it to 1,000 consecutive posts.
I'm moving to Boise, Idaho. I have a friend I'm going to be roommates with. I've never been to Boise, but my friend went to college there. I'm to the point that I want to be anywhere other than Ketchikan. I was born on this rock, and being born in Ketchikan is like being born into bondage. You're trapped on an island, and it's so damn expensive to leave... Well, here's my chance.
It's a sudden change in my life; I'm leaping without looking on this one. That is very uncharacteristic of me. The very fiber of my being wants to over-analyze every situation and find reasons for not doing something. It's why my life has been stagnant for the past 5 years. And I'm terrified.
I've avoided talking about my personal life and feelings here. Partly because I think there's not much to talk about. I have very low self esteem and confidence. Coupled with agoraphobia1 and chronic anxiety, I've been trapped in a prison of my own making. Unable to bring myself to get a job, let alone a social life. This move is a last-ditch effort2 to escape from myself as much as it is from this town.
I will be forced to get a job and mingle with people. I will be forced out of my comfort zone, without an easy method of return. I'll either be able to cope or have a complete breakdown. But I need to do something. I've been watching my life pass by without anything to show for it.
1:I was diagnosed with agoraphobia instead of social phobia because I'm not overly concerned with people's opinion of me. But I'm still phobic of social situations for some unexplained reason. 2:Yes, I've tried counseling. It was marginally helpful, but it became clear I was not going to make a dramatic recovery.
This is a scanned page out of my 7th grade steno pad from math class. It is one of the first occurrences of the name Marf. As you can see, the joke of changing Marf to Barf is as old as the name itself.
You're looking at something that's 11 years old... The illustrations and the letter "B" are not my work, but rather that of a classmate. The arrows that go across the page are a whole other story.
That ultimate chart post sent me off on a thought tangent about the discipline metric.
I see how inefficient it is to pay for health insurance. I would rather instead put that money into a personal savings account, not only would I have enough money for health care, but I'd be earning interest1 on it. I'd have the discipline to only use that account for health care, too. That's why it wouldn't work for most people. Most people do not have the discipline to have a chunk of money and not use it on frivolous crap they can't afford.
Health insurance sucks anyway. You have to pay the deductible first before they cover anything, then they only cover a percentage after that. I'm a lot like Scrooge when it comes to money. I could have millions in the bank and still be a penny-pinching bastard. I'm the type that will die with millions in the bank, never having enjoyed life, and no one to name as an heir to my fortune2.
"Waiter, more bread." "That'll cost you extra, sir." "… No more bread."
1:Although in current times interest rates are nearly 0%, so the amount I'd earn is negligible. 2:Seeing as I'm unemployed and living with my parents, this is a theoretical fortune.
Here's how I honestly rate myself on this chart1. You can get the blank chart here if you wish to fill it out for yourself (use MS Paint or something). If you do, leave a comment with a link and I'll edit this post to include the link in a list. Click a chart to view full.
Here's a short explanation of why I ranked myself as I did in each category:
Health: I'm a pretty healthy person, more so than most people, I think. Strength: I've got average strength, nothing special. Stamina: Above average, I'm able to ride a bicycle up steep hills, for example. Intelligence: The average person will rank themselves above average, so there you go. Perception: I can notice little things, but I'm no Adrian Monk2. Creativity: I'm just not that creative of a person. I really struggle to come up with something every day for my blog. Charisma: I don't seem to be that good at making friends, especially in real life. Social Skills: Social anxiety has an iron grip on me. Confidence: Leaves much to be desired. It's why I'm still unemployed. Face: Average looks, I'm not in a position to boast, really. Body: I'm not fat. That fact alone puts me well above average. Style: Meh, I don't keep up with styles. I do my own thing. Humor: I'm no funnyman, and often times jokes are lost on me. Passion: I could almost live in a Vulcan society... Almost. Empathy: I care about the species as a whole, as well as individuals. Spirituality: lol. Strong atheism doesn't mesh well with spirituality. Show me some evidence. Discipline: I'm quite good at saving money, I don't drink too much, among other things. Luck: Lady luck has never been a friend of mine. Although I haven't had exceptionally bad luck, either.
Participants
These people have participated and sent me their chart:
Six Legions Vid Vanity Lindsay 1:Some of you may recognize this chart. I take no credit for creating it, and I do not know its origins. 2:Adrian Monk is a TV show character played by Tony Shalhoub, he was a private detective. The series has now ended.
Wow. After writing that title, I feel like I'm back in school doing an English class assignment. Brings back bad memories...
For those of you who are new, or just haven't read any of the posts that I mentioned it, I am an atheist. As such, Christmas has no spiritual meaning to me. While I think my basic beliefs (or rather, lack there of) are fairly typical of most atheists, I am an individual. As such, a few of my feelings are probably a bit atypical1. I subscribe to a life outlook similar to that of Nihilism. That being nothing has any inherent value or purpose. Things are only worth what we feel they are worth. With no grand creator or "plan", life has only the meaning we ourselves give it. It's a humbling, yet empowering thought. I like it that way. It means I'm not just a pawn in some grand scheme.
So, when the holiday season wraps around, I know these days are fundamentally no different from any other time of the year. The society I live in arbitrarily gives Christmas special meaning, but I personally don't.
So if you're one of the ones who gives Christmas a special meaning, merry Christmas to you. And for those with a similar outlook as I have, have a great Friday and enjoy the pretty lights your neighbor put up!
1:This is basically a disclaimer saying that I speak only for myself, not for all atheists.
Only a fool would take /b/1 seriously... So what does that make me?
Click image to view full.
I just got the mask from Amazon.com. I didn't get the mask because of the movie V for Vendetta. In fact, I had the mask ordered before I had even watched the movie. No, I have the mask for the same reason I have the flag: they have become a symbol of Anonymous and were used in the protests against Scientology. I don't thing there's a "church" of Scientology within a 700-mile radius of me, but it's the thought that counts.
Click image to view full.
...And I just wanted a wall decoration.
2011 Update: I am in no way associated with the activities of the hacktivist group Anonymous or LulzSec.
This blog is like my life in a lot of ways. It has no real direction or purpose. It just IS; and that's its major flaw. It is always better to have a goal and specific direction, a niche to fall into and excel at. You'll pick up more followers and they will be more interested in your topic.
This blog has random topics. The only thing you can count on are Caturday, Motivational Monday, and that something random will be posted on the other days of the week. As such, it is highly unlikely that anyone will be interested in everything I say.
Lately I've been going on about the Sims 3. This is because that's what I've been doing lately. I know some of you are probably getting pretty sick of reading about characters in some computer game. You're about ready to unsubscribe and quit following the blog. That's fine. Others of you may only come here to read about the Sims 3 because that's your interest right now. You're a newcomer to the blog and see the other posts as "off-topic". Again, that's fine. I'm happy to have readers of any topic for as long as they care to read. When I get burned out on the Sims 3 I'll talk about other topics more often again. There's nothing that's really "off topic" here. I created this blog to speak my mind about what I wanted to. I originally planned to talk more about my personal feelings. However, how many people would be interested in my non-directional life? I'm a private person anyway, and there are people I know in real life that read this blog. I'd inevitably end up saying something here that they'd question me about, opening a can of worms I'd rather leave closed. So the personal emo blog idea was out. I still wanted a presence on the web, so I decided to just talk about random topics and see where it lead me.
I figured by now I would have either just given up or would have found my own direction and purpose. Yet, it's funny how long one can linger in this state with no direction or purpose. For now I shall just try to continue as is. Better than giving up, right?
I'll leave you with this song. There's no actual video, just the album cover and the song.
No life, No love, No dreams, No reason to remain, No eyes, No vision, No pain, No, No Nothing, No mind, No thought, No sex, No awe to feel, No heart, No Nothing, No, No, No Nothing
- Nothing by The Crüxshadows1
1And no, the irony of this being a bit after the post I denounced poetry is not lost on me.
That's my favorite song by my favorite band. That possibly makes it my overall favorite song. The observant among you may be wondering why I labeled this post with the "Holidays" label. I think I have the right to declare my birthday as an official holiday1 for Master Marf.
1:That's holiday in the American definition, not that crazy British definition of vacation. I don't get to take my birthday off from blogging.
Now instead of having to click "Post a Comment" and going through that page, you can type your comment right into the white box at the bottom of a post (it will be under any existing comments).
I've been meaning to do this for a while. I would have did it sooner, but last time I tried this I got some weird blogger error when I tried to update my template.
So yeah, try it out. Also, there's a spiffy new email address you can contact me by. You can find it in the About section, under Contact. I'm not putting it directly in this post because spam bots can pick it up. I have a special anti-spam bot script I wrote and installed in the About page. If you've been to the page before, you may have to clear your browser's cache in order to update it. Hint: It's no longer an "@gmail.com" address.
EDIT: I had a report that the new comment box doesn't work with mobile devices. Probably has something to do with the inline frame it uses. I can't do it any other way, so until I find a work-around I'm rolling back to the old commenting method. Inline frames aren't supported in XHTML 1.0 strict anyway. Sorry about that!
2ND EDIT: It's back with a link to the old comment page. That way in the event the embedded one doesn't work you can fallback to the old one.
I've been doing better since my doctor's visit. There's only been a few times I couldn't eat much in the past week. I'd still say my overall appetite is less than it should be. I haven't gained any weight back, but at least I haven't lost any more. (Yes, I'm one of the few Americans you could call "underweight".)
I'm starting to believe more and more that the doctor was right when he suggested anxiety as being the cause. Although I couldn't tell you the source of the anxiety. Ever since he suggested that it might be anxiety, I've been paying attention when I feel sick. There's always a heightened anxiety along with it. Another reason I say he might have been right is because I've been doing better since the visit. Keep in mind, I received no medication or treatment during the visit, and thus there should have been no change. (This thing has been ongoing for over a month, so I wouldn't expect a change now.) Because there was a change, I'm lead to believe that somewhere in my subconscious I was relieved that there wasn't anything wrong that he could find.
I suppose I've always had a little anxiety. I often catch myself or have it brought to my attention that my leg is shaking like a nervous twitch. I just figured it was just part of life. And of course, I get really nervous when I have to talk to people I don't now, but that's part of being shy. I've always been shy. (Although admittedly, I think I'm beyond the realm of simple shyness and approaching phobic.)
What concerns me now is why has the anxiety gotten to the point that it affects my health? I know of no triggering event or reason. Like I said, I don't even know the source of the general anxiety to begin with. Perhaps I'm just losing my mind.
$182.00 later, and Looney was right. Now that's something I don't say very often. It seems like Looney and I respectfully disagree on about everything. However, he was right about the doctor not finding anything during my appointment.
Basically it was a general checkup. Get my blood pressure and heart rate. Answer some questions about family health history. Listen to my breathing and heartbeat. Feel my lower abdomen. Pull down my pants, turn my head and cough. That sort of thing. It all checked out, I seem to be in good health. He said it could be anxiety.
I just have to give it more time. I'm to call the doctor in a few weeks and tell him how I'm doing. If I'm not better then I'll go back in and they will do some actual tests. You may be wondering why I didn't get any tests this time. I think it is partly because they don't know what to test for, and I'm not covered by insurance. When you start doing all sorts of tests, it starts costing more money and there's no guarantee that they will find anything.
That doctor's appointment I made? It has been rescheduled because the doctor won't be available. So I had to reschedule it... Not a day or two later... No, that would have been too quick. It has been pushed out to December 9th, about a week out from when it was originally scheduled!
When I rescheduled, I had them put me on the waiting list. They called yesterday and said they have an opening at 3:00 today, so it looks like the reschedule may have worked in my favor. Who knows...
My health has been somewhat questionable since I posted about not feeling well on October 24th. What I seem to be having problems with is my gag reflex. I'm not really nauseated in the stomach, it's in the back of my throat; kind-of like sticking your finger on the very back of your tongue. I don't feel it all the time. Usually when I'm eating or after I've eaten. I've felt it mildly other times as well.
Yesterday my lymph nodes under my jawbone swelled up a little, but have sense returned to normal.
I'm beginning to get a little worried; lasting this long it might be something serious. I don't seem to have any other symptoms, other than a slight weight loss because I'm not eating as much, and maybe I'm sleeping longer than usual. Anyway, even without health insurance I decided to make a doctor's appointment yesterday. I didn't make one earlier because the symptom is not always there, it's on-and-off with sometimes days between. However, with the lymph nodes swelling up, it's probably some sort of tangible infection.
They're backed up a bit right now at the doctor's office, so my appointment was set for December 3rd. They told me to go to the emergency room if I get worse before then. Of course, trying to diagnose yourself on the internet always leads to the worst possible condition.
The question was raised about my atheism and where my parents stand with it.
When did I become an atheist? To tell the truth, I don't remember. I think I stopped believing in God before Santa Clause (despite the fact that Santa had the exact same handwriting as my mom). I didn't give too many hints of my beliefs for quite a while. With Santa, I was afraid I wouldn't get as many gifts if I said I didn't believe. With God, I wasn't sure what the reaction would be and it seemed best just to keep it to myself.
You know, you tell a child all these lies about Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy... You may think it's just all in good fun. But when a child starts to realize the truth, they may start to question if God and Jesus were lies as well. My parents come from different religious backgrounds. My mom was raised a Catholic, had it forced upon her and hated it. She's basically rebelled against it. Whether she actually believes in God or not, I'm not sure. We don't talk about it much.
My dad was raised Lutheran, and although he's drifted away from the literal interpretations of the Bible, he does believe in God in the Christian sense. He feels the Bible was written by man, and thus has been exaggerated and had human biases inserted. Really, who can blame him once you've looked over the Old Testament (or even much of the New Testament).
My parents are fine with what I believe. I'm old enough to have my own beliefs. My grandparents, on the other hand, are not happy with it. I've had a couple of talks about it with my grandfather. But, they love me just the same.
I was never forced to go to church as a child. When I got a little older I did a fair amount of research on a wide variety of religions; for a while it was almost an obsession. It didn't take long to dismiss the major religions. Although I admit I didn't put too much time into Buddhism or Muslim. I found the more “occult” religions fascinating, particularly Druidism. I spent some time talking to a friend online that is a Druid, as well as a classmate in real life that was a Druid. I even spoke to a true Witch in real life (Wicca). However, I just couldn't believe the prayers (read: spells) had any power. No matter what religion I looked into, they all had some beliefs that were downright silly.
You may think I should have given the major religions such as Christianity more time. However, I don't believe in a God. Everything else was based on that belief, and all evidence they provided was circular logic back to the belief in God.
So here I am. If one day God should make himself visible and prove himself to infact be God, I'll be inclined to modify my beliefs. And he'd better make it good, because extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof. Until then, I am an atheist.
. I didn't get the mask because of the movie 
Some Rights Reserved